Easter ProTip: Drink to Salvation! by Stone Cold Jane Austen

Hey everyone, if you are easily offended by irreverent columns about sacred holy days, then you should probably stop reading now.  I mean it.  Stop.  Reading.

If you keep reading, you’re going to Hell.

Now that we’ve gotten rid of all the goody-two-shoes’seses (pfffttttt whatever), we can now get down to brass tacks:  What to do while your offspring, nieces/nephews, or random street urchin youngsters are rummaging through your newly-planted spring flowerbeds, searching for a ridiculous plastic egg that holds the Baby Jesus in it.  I mean chocolate.  Something.  There’s only one thing that’s going to make this allergy-infested, ham-laden snoozefest of a holiday better:  DRANKS.   Look no further, because I bring forth the answers to your burning bushel of Easter drinking etiquette questions.

First, WWJD?

Well, I am sure you immediately assume that the Lamb of God would get down on some wine, since 1) he had all that water and 2) that was kind of the mainstay of bevvies back in the day.  Honestly, I think had he been offered a delicious and savory Bloody Mary (aw shit, no pun intended.  For real!  It’s just timely because it’s breakfast!) he would have enjoyed it, as long as it came with a salt and pepper rim and a charming array of vegetables cut into stirrers.  What is NOT to like about this amazing concoction?  Vodka is clearly the most pristine and innocent member of the alcohol family, and surely the Lord is pleased when we try to be a pure as possible.  You totally need 5 servings of vegetables a day.  Drink two of these in the AM and you are DONE, son.  Vegetablez.  YOU ARE SO HEALTHY.

What’s an appropriately solemn drink while I’m waiting for ham and pretending to like kids? 

Which one do you hate more, ham or kids?  If you hate ham or are only sticking around for the mashed potatoes because you shoved a metric fuckton of chocolate bunny ear into your gullet before lunch, then you should go with something that is either light or is going to mingle well with all the cheap chocolate aftertaste.  I suggest  Jameson neat (proves you are totally atoning for your sins because of the seriousness of the drink).  If you hate children, a delightful wine spritzer should do the trick (light and airy, and that little asshole 7-year old does not more Sprite today.  Who are you kidding, grab that half-empty 2-liter and just dump the rest of the Target wine cube in it.  Add Spree or Easter Skittles for extra festiveness.)

What drinks will go well with my meatless Good Friday?

Everything.  Did you swear off alcohol for Lent?  OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DIDN’T.  Because you do not have a problem.

More wine, just sayin. And ham is for sinners.

I need to watch Game of Thrones after all the soul-saving.  How do I power through until then?

You really only have two choices here:  You either need to go to bed immediately after brunch, or stay awake and drink all day.  Personally, the latter is the safer option.  By the time you are well into your cups and are looking at Jon Snow’s angelic face, you might actually have a spiritual moment of sorts.  Plus, don’t worry.  Lots of people die in GoT.  All the time.  Every chapter, almost.  You will feel sufficiently sad, yet happy, and BLAM – your Easter is complete.  PTL.

Can someone get Drogo to rise from the dead? Do it.

5 sec product review: Boo Boo Bling by Sephora

http://www.sephora.com/boo-boo-bling-P297318?skuId=1351584

(via SEPHORA COLLECTION Boo Boo Bling: Shop Body | Sephora)

 

Yeahbutwhut…?  I’m pretty sure some “bling” isn’t going to rehabilitated that crusty, half stuck to itself, “flesh” colored band-aid you’ve got there.

Our recommendation?  Raid the kids’ bandage aisle.  Princesses or camo or BOTH. Blam.

Why St. Patrick’s Day Sucks for Irish People

Well, St. Pat’s is coming up. Another year of family-friendly morning drinking and throwing marshmallows at people in parades. This year we asked our good friend Michael to explain a little bit about what it’s like to be Irish on St. Pat’s. No descriptions of bludgeoning snakes, sadly. 

Keepin’ it classy.

My good friends Dixie and Daisy asked me to write a blog for their website about St. Patrick’s Day, probably because I’m of Irish heritage and I love beer.  That must mean I’m doubly ecstatic about everyone’s favorite socially acceptable day to get utterly shitfaced, right?

WRONG, ASSHOLES.

St. Patrick’s Day is everything that’s wrong with public perception of the Irish.  For how many years have the Irish labored to get out from under the crushing cultural assumption that they’re all a bunch of drunks?  There’s not even a positive Irish stereotype to balance it out!  I mean, everybody thinks the X are great at Y, and even the Z get to be known for Ω!  The only other thing the Irish are known for is blowing up cars, and you made that into an alcoholic drink too.

You probably think it’s okay to laugh at the following joke:

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A: Zero.

Well, it’s not okay for you to laugh.  I mean, I can because I’m an 8th-generation immigrant and only 25/33rds German.  And so can the rest of my 1,356 cousins.  There’s that many because there are eight generations of us, not because we’re Catholics.  Although I suppose the Catholic thing probably didn’t hurt.

And then what do you drink for St. Paddy’s? Green beer.  Look, anything an entire society agrees to consume only once a year probably sucks.  Eggnog contains forty-seven heart attacks per quart, according to the FDA.  Black-eyed peas are only slightly less dreadful as a food than as a band.  King cake tastes like cardboard and the plastic baby prize really aggravates my hemorrhoids at the tail end of the digestive process.  But the ultimate Cultural Peer Pressure Disgusting Aliment* is green beer.  Let’s list the reasons green beer is objectively terrible:

1.  Green beer is made by mixing some watery lager with green food coloring.

It’s kind of like a kale smoothie. But beer.

And look, we’re done.  Lager is beer for people who don’t like beer and is a German-Austrian-Czech beer style anyway.  Put food coloring in Guinness instead.  And by food coloring I mean whiskey.

That’s not a joke.  Guinness and whiskey is delicious.  Plus we need something to balance out the appletini on the cosmic tally sheet.  Step up, people.

So now you know why all good men and women of Irish descent should hate St. Patrick’s Day.  (It’s in there somewhere, I swear.)  Here are some other myths concerning the Irish which I’m happy to debunk for you.

1. Guinness tastes better in Ireland.  No.  No, it fucking doesn’t.  This isn’t like pizza in Italy or hamburgers in Germany.  Guinness is brewed at the same places with the same ingredients whether you get it in Dublin or Dallas, and a few extra days floating across the Atlantic just isn’t significant, unless you toss all your beer after it’s been in your fridge for half a week.  The reason you think it tastes better in Ireland is the same reason people see Jesus’ face in cinnamon toast and everyone thinks the cartoons they watched at age 5 totally stand the test of time – because your brain enjoys tricking you.  But I don’t expect you to believe me – even Obama disagrees.  (Make sure to participate in the totally unrelated political brawl in the comments, everyone!)

2. Leprechauns are real.  Nope, sorry.  But the idea of tiny magical men who greedily hoard gold (watch it, Wagner) is still more reasonable than thinking Guinness tastes differently in America. Incidentally, I once watched Leprechaun 6:  Back 2 tha Hood with Daisy Shoots. [Daisy: “It was amazing.”] Then she became a small business owner.  Coincidence, you say?  Whatever, Niels Bohr.

I think his rap name would be “Lil’ Breeches”.

If you’d like to read more about leprechauns, I recommend Irish Wonders by the wonderfully surnamed D. R. McAnally Jr., available for free online probably just so that you know I’m not making his name up.

3. Victorian historian and children’s author Charles Kingsley called the Irish “white chimpanzees.”  Wait, no, that one’s true. Okay, I guess things could be worse.

Now have a happy and safe St. Patrick’s Day!  Hopefully it’ll be that way because you’re staying home.

* “Aliment” means food.  You can enjoy it with your green beer.

Your Best Pick-up Lines for Valentine’s

GOOD NEWS. It’s Wednesday, there’s still time left to find true love before tomorrow noon, which is clearly the socially acceptable cutoff. RITAS AT LUNCH, LADEEZ!!!

Anywho, if for whatever reason your chloroform didn’t arrive in the mail and your stupid cat refuses to get a job in order to buy you Jane Seymour’s Open Hearts Necklace, never fear. Our Hexlings have ridden to the rescue with their best, most successful pick-up lines. As you can probably see, our readership is an uncannily sexy bunch with a penchant for nerds. Rock on, Hex lovers. Rock on.

I’ll get a job when you stop calling me “Kitty Wittums”. Bitch.

 

Our criteria for choosing our top contenders:

Is that the theme song to “Days of our Lives” I hear?

1. Must be usable in a variety of situations – everything from the produce section at Kroger to screaming at someone at a One Direction concert. “OMG ARE YOU HARRY? WHAT? FIGGY PUDDING? LET’S GET MARRIED!”

2. We definitely give in to pandering

3. Desired response is always a “Kiss me now, hotness” or “I’m sorry, I don’t understand that whatsoever.” Preferably not “Ew” or “I have some Greek yogurt to be eating, sir.”

Well no need to mince words. There’s menfolk and ladeez aplenty awaiting your sweet machinations out there in the world, who hopefully don’t own mace.

 

Our top 6 Best Pick-Up Lines

Are they hugging? I think they’re hugging.

1. Hey babe, you look like you’ve made a lot of mistakes in your life. Got room for one more?

2. Are you Google? Cuz you’ve got everything I’m searching for.

3. If you are what you eat, you must’ve had a sexy beast for breakfast

4. Hey girl, I like your Pintrest future wedding board.

5. I think your ass is illegal because I want to take a bite out of crime.

6. Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom by Sauron? Because you are precious!

Honorable Mentions: These bad boys were compelling, but didn’t quite make the cut. Sigh. There just isn’t enough time for the flirtingz in a day.

You are uncomfortably creepy.

1.  Is that a mirror in your pocket cause I can see me in them
2. Arrrrrr! Is that an ‘X’ on the seat of your pants? ‘Cause it appears that there’s wond’rous booty buried underneath!
3. You make me weak in the knee socks
4. (This one is blatant pandering, but it’s also a haiku, we’re not made of stone)

Hey there derby girl
Your ass looks great in Hex shorts
Even better nude? 

 

NOW GO FORTH AND SEEK YE LOVE!

Hair color for the uncommitted

My first reaction to this product is, “SUCK IT UP AND JUST DYE YOUR HAIR!”  Thoughts?  Is spray on color just for posers or an awesome alternative?

sephora:

CAMEO: RITA HAZAN

Learn all about Rita Hazan’s new spray-on Pop Color for hair

WHO: Rita Hazan, celebrity colorist, hair expert, trendsetter

WHAT: “I was doing pinks, purples, and blue hair color on a pop star client, and the trend blew up. Pop Color is a spray-on color that stays on the hair, but also rinses off as soon as it touches water. The colors aren’t cheap-looking or too neon—they’re very luxe and look good on all skintones.”

HOW: “There’s a little ball in the can, like spray paint, that mixes the color so it’s always fresh. Shake it a few times and hold six to ten inches from your hair. It comes off clothes with a towel or washcloth, but I recommend putting a towel around you. You can do streaks or just your bangs, tips, or roots. I like to spray the purple and pink together—it creates a great gradiation of color.”

WHY: “Bold color was getting popular at my salon, but I wanted the trend to be accessible for everybody. The best part is, you don’t have to worry about bleaching your hair first to get bright color—that can really ruin your hair.”

WHERE: SHOP RITA HAZAN HERE ▸ 

Edgar Allen Poe’s Birthday

Edgar Allen Poe’s Birthday by hexchromosome featuring cross jewelry

Cross jewelry
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Hat
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Kat Von D waterproof eyeliner
sephora.com

Insight Skull Candle
urbanoutfitters.com

bath salts laudanum natural bath salts of by pixxxiepieandposie
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Edgar Allan Poe: Complete Tales and Poems with Selected Essays: Edgar…
amazon.com

Skull and Raven ORIGINAL ARTWORK by MadameBricolagePrint on Etsy
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Laudanum Tobacco and Black Tea by ScodioliCreative on Etsy
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Steampunk USB drive with Kalocsai motives and garnet cabochon, 4 GB
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Quinoa = Warrior Powerfood!

Pyro Maim Ya’ of Pynk Fitness is  back with her latest installment on nutrition and health. Word on the street is that eating well means that pink sparkle ponies randomly show up on your doorstep. Or baby bunnies. That second one can be proven.

I guess this is where we start praying that Hasbro isn’t very litigious.

Rainy weather puts me in a domestic mood, so I’m cooking a large pot of quinoa on the stove to throw into recipes all week long. What?!  You say you’ve never tried quinoa?  Oh honey, I’m about to expand your culinary horizons.

Quinoa looks like a grain, but it’s actually a seed from a vegetable closely related to spinach and swiss chard.  It’s a complete protein, meaning it contains all nine essential amino acids.  Quinoa has a high-protein content (8.14 grams per cup), which makes it a great cholesterol-free and low-fat source of protein for vegetarians and vegans. Because quinoa is a seed, it also contains a bit of healthy fat (about 3.4 grams per cup), which our bodies need to absorb nutrients more completely.

So how do you cook quinoa? First, soak it in a pot of cold water for five minutes to remove any residue and help the seeds cook evenly. Drain it through a mesh sieve and return to the pot, adding water in a 2:1 ratio to the quinoa.  Bring to a boil, then cover and simmer for about 15 minutes or until quinoa is has absorbed most of the liquid.  Fluff it with a fork and make it fancy with herbs, spices or aromatics.

You can swap vegetable, chicken or beef broth for part or all of the water, or experiment with adding a little lemon, lime or orange juice to liven up the little seeds for a gluten-free alternative to rice or pasta.  Or you can use your plain cooked quinoa for a fantastic breakfast alternative to oatmeal – it’s a super choice for those who work out in the morning.

I’ll make a big batch over the weekend so that I can make quick breakfasts all week long, adding chopped apples or pears, walnuts or pecans, chia seeds or hemp hearts, and a little almond or coconut milk along with plenty of cinnamon and occasionally a drizzle of honey or a dollop of yogurt. This can easily be thrown into a travel mug and eaten on the way to work with a spoon, and you’ll be amazed at how energized you feel all day long.

Quinoa was once called “gold of the Incas” and was highly prized for increasing the stamina and recovery time of Inca warriors.  They would eat balls of quinoa before long marches or going into battle.  You go into battle every day at work, at school, on the track and in the gym.  Eat like a warrior for the power to conquer it all!  Start regularly fueling your body with quinoa and tell me in a few weeks how you feel. I love to hear good news.

 

Sources:

Oxygen Magazine

Vegetarian.about.com

Nuts.com

 

http://www.hexchromosome.com

Healthy Holiday Drinks

As it turns out, most alcoholic drinks are not usually referred to with phrases such as “fat burning” and “fibrous”. However, for the majority of us, we’re going to indulge so let’s move on. The  key to reducing whatever horrendous things we’re all doing to our love handles is to keep the calories in the alcohol and make the mixers as low calorie as possible. That way, you can fit in more alcohol! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!! MAMA’S HAVIN’ FUN TONIGHT, BOYS.

Sorry this is so creepy.

Anywho, our favorite holiday beverages, modified to please your palette and your waistline.

Sexy Minx Skinny Hot Chocolate

Whoa whoa whoa, no one said anything about cookies.

We imagine a lady making this hot chocolate in some skimpy lingerie, sliding onto the couch next to her paramour and whispering “Change the channel to Law & Order, sweet cheeks. No, not that one. SVU.” Bow chicka BOW WOW.

Ingredients:

• No sugar added Swiss Miss hot chocolate mix (or other no sugar added hot chocolate)
• 8 oz skim milk or water
• 2 tbsp fat free half n half
• 1 oz Chocolate flavored vodka
• Optional: cinnamon stick and a dash of nutmeg

1. Mix hot chocolate mix with either water or skim milk. Can be spiked with 2 tbsp of fat free half n half for more richness.
2. Add 1 oz chocolate flavored vodka.
3. Add cinnamon stick and sprinkle on some nutmeg
4. Imbibe.
5. Call ex.

Vixen’s Candy Cane Martini

Kinda sorta looks like they’re doin’ it.

Christmas is over, but the party is just beginning and everyone knows that Vixen is the fun one. If you’re a total boss, we suggest crushing peppermints and creating a peppermint sugar rim around the glass, but it’s still good if you’re all “HELL NO. Too much work for people that keep regifting me stuff.”

Ingredients:

• 0.5 oz white crème de cacao
• 0.5 oz peppermint schnapps
• 1.5 oz vodka
• Optional: crushed peppermint for rim, candy cane garnish

1. Crush 10 peppermints in a Ziploc baggie with a blunt object of your choosing.
2. Dip the martini glass rim in the peppermint schnapps, then dip in the crushed peppermints to create a peppermint rim.
3. Place all other ingredients in a shaker with ice.
4. Shake it like a Polaroid picture.
5. Poor into martini glass & serve.
6. Text your best friend how much you love him/her/their mom.

Frosty’s Nog

Definitely looks like Frosty had a little too much nog.

Ah, the nog. Everyone’s favorite/most hated beverage. The perfect predecessor to loud admissions, followed by all-night vomiting. Delicious. We adapted this from the Hungry Girl blog (check her out, lots of great recipe ideas www.hungrygirl.com). It’s not the healthiest drink, but it sure as hell beats the normal stuff. 1 cup + 1 oz of alcohol will run you roughly 100ish calories.  This can also be made sans liqouor, but that’s just dumb.

Ingredients

• 5 cups unsweetened vanilla almond milk (or light vanilla soymilk, take your pick, but make sure to check out the change in stats)
• 1 small package vanilla Jell-O sugar free fat free instant pudding mix
• Stevia or other no-calorie sweetener to taste (take it easy here, you want to sweeten it, not declare war on your taste buds)
• ½ tsp nutmeg
• ½ tsp clove
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• Pinch of salt
• Optional: 1 egg

1. Put all in a blender.
2. Blend.
3. Chill for 2 hours to allow to thicken.
4. Serve with 1 oz. of dark Jamaican rum as desired.
5. Impress your friends by not throwing up on their carpet.

How to Get a Date – Hex style

As the holidays are almost upon us, roller derby season is on hiatus and your derby wife has abandoned you for her “family” or whatever. In these times some of us find ourselves with a little more time on our hands that we are used. What does one do with herself in the absence of a 3 hr practice and the subsequent icing of injuries? Well, never fear ladies, Hex has got your back. Being fairly practiced at this “dating” thing we keep hearing about, we thought we’d pass on our fool-proof tips for finding yourself a little somethin’ somethin’ during this fine holiday season. After all, it’s cold. Get your a$$ over here, it’s time for snuggling. I SAID TIME FOR SNUGGLING.

Step 1:  Find yourself a fancy new sweater. Here’s lookin’ at you, kid!

That sweater just screams “hark the herald”.

Step 2: Leave Mr. Sprinkles at home. He’s pretty adorable, but that mischievous little devil has a habit of popping out of your purse at the most inopportune moments. Also, you know how jealous Mr. Sprinkles gets.

Step 3: Have a classy beverage to set the right tone. Remember, you’re trying to put your best foot forward to ease into the evening.

Step 4: For serious, leave the cat at home.

Step 5: When you’re out on the town, strike a pose. This will indicate to your potential mate what a good catch you are through your athletic prowess, rockin’ hot bod, and creativity. A war cry here is purely optional.

Top pick-up lines overheard at Hex Headquarters:“How do you do? I enjoy your choice of attire. Please remove your pants.”
“My biological clock is on fire. Let’s make this happen.”
“Mr. Sprinkles loves fedora hats. Do you perchance have one?”
“I body check girls as a hobby.”
“I’ve had, like, 2 Lokos and 5 Redbulls. I WILL OWN YOU. Wait, what?”

http://www.hexchromosome.com

Fruit Cake Holiday Outfit

Have you ever made fruit cake? I’ll fill you in on a secret, usually you soak it in alcohol for an extended period of time. Awesome.

Anyway, we just think it makes the cutest little dessert to serve our friends and loved ones.

We should really bake more often.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/115949548/holiday-fruit-cake-shorts

Dark Forest Holiday Shorts

You know what this world needs? More opportunities to stop wearing pants.

Why yes, you may gaze upon my amazing thighs.

 

You’re welcome.

That THAT, Hallmark.

You can check out the full listing cheeyah.

Your Post Thanksgiving Fitness Regimen by Daisy Shoots

Let’s be honest with each other. The 3 slices of pie you had last Thursday were amazing. Amazing enough that you’d do it again without regret. Pumpkin has fiber, right? And you know FOR A FACT that turkey is healthy, you just had trouble finding the white meat amidst all that gravy and mashed potatoes. Surely cranberries have antioxidants. Whatever.

Tragically, the Negative Nancies over at whatever governing body it is that makes decisions on what is healthy are probably having kittens right now. On the plus side, the time is ripe to get them off your back with a little healthy exercise. While there’s still time before your “Afternoon Egg Nog” is socially acceptable.

 

Daisy’s Post Thanksgiving Yoga Poses

In an ideal world, I’d be able to lead you through an actual yoga sequence. Unfortunately, the written word is not the best way to be taught a physical practice. However, some yoga poses can still be great muscle toners when held statically. Try to hold the poses for 20-30 second at a time on each side (about the length of 3-5 slow breaths). You’re trying to sweat out all of the gunk you recently put in your body, so don’t be afraid of a little heat. If you’re not straining working to hold it for the last few breaths, you might need to intensify or hold longer. Keep the focus on deep, slow breaths. They’ll help you through the poses while simultaneously relaxing you. Win Win!

 

Plank Pose

The key points in this pose are to have the hands directly underneath the shoulders and feet roughly hips width apart. The back is completely straight, so there should be a slanted line from your head to your heels. Make sure your hips neither dip too low or too high. I like to think about tucking in my tailbone to align my spine.

Courtesy of yogalifejourney.com.

Intensify: Hold the pose for a full minute or try lifting up your feet one at a time to get a nice little burn. If it hurts your wrists, you can also do a plank on your forearms.

 

Chair Pose

Stand with your feet and legs together. Sit your hips back and raise your arms overhead while keeping your chest projecting upward. You can modify by bringing your hands together at your heart if your shoulders are giving you trouble. Look down: you should be able to see your toes, but you’re not fully bent over at the waist. This pose is called “Thunderbolt” in some disciplines because of the zig zag pattern of the body.

Courtesy of http://yoga.isport.com.

Intensify: Bend your knees closer to 90 degrees if you can handle it. If that’s still easy, stand up on the balls of your feet. Congrats, you’re a rock star.

 

Crescent Lunge

From a plank pose, pull your right foot forward and plant in between your hands in a low lunge. Tighten your core and lift your torso up, bringing the arms overhead, shoulders are relaxed. Your front knee should be bent 90° and not extended past your ankle. Your back leg is strong and as straight as possible with a slight bend in the back knee. Hips are squared forward, tuck in that tummy, and breathe deeply. When you’re ready, bring your hands to the floor, return to plank pose, and repeat on the opposite side.

Courtesy of yogalifejourney.com.

Intensify: Bring your hands together at chest’s center. Inhale deeply and on the exhale, rotate your torso toward your front leg, bringing the opposite elbow to the knee in a twist. Twists help squeeze out your toxins and get your metabolism moving. Just make sure you’re not leaning too heavily on that front knee, your abs should be working here.

Courtesy of Moveyourhyde.com.

 

Boat Pose

Boat Pose will give you some pretty crazy ab strength, but it’s most often done incorrectly in an effort to achieve some mystery prize for doing the full expression. My advice is to pay attention to your body posture first to avoid injury and build those muscles from the ground up. In a seated position, place your feet on the ground with a bent knee about 6 in from your behind. Lean back slightly to engage your abs while keeping the back straight so your body makes a little V shape.

Courtesy of yogalifejourney.com.

Intensify: Once you have the correct posture, lift your hands off the ground and either gently balance them on your upper legs or hold them palm up extended in front of you. If that’s easy, lift your feet off the ground one at a time. If you can do that, maintain your posture, and still breathe, lift both feet off the ground with the knees bent 90°. If at any point your back hunches over or you can’t breathe or maintain the posture, take one step back and go from there.

 

For a great resource, try YogaJournal.com. They talk through the poses and have some great photos, including some suggested modifications or intensifications. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving Recipes for Vegetarians

Thanksgiving is hard on a vegetarian, man. All the focus is on the bird, and although pumpkin pie is more delicious than the taste of a child’s joy, it is not protein packed, as it turns out. Below are a few of our favorite vegetarian Thanksgiving recipes that are both good for you and good tasting. Time to knock the socks off your relatives and have a second reason to yell “MY LIFE IS JUST FINE, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.”

Butternut Squash Lasagna

Totally not sexual looking in any way, shape, or form.

Oh. My. God. Was there ever a thing more delicious than this? Let me fill in the blanks for you: No. There’s lots of different ways to do this one. Lasagna isn’t naturally the healthiest dish in the room due to the whole “cheese” debacle, but stick to whole wheat pasta, mix in some low or non fat ricotta, and beef up the squash (see what I did there?), and it’s a winner. Even your judgmental aunt will have to agree and we all know that old bitty is just jonesing for commentary on your life choices. “YES MY CAT IS THE REASON I’M NOT LONELY. Damn. Mittens be trippin’.”

Recipe kudos go to Fine Cooking and be found cheeyah.

Quinoa Stuffing

This looks more attractive than I did at the last cocktail party I attended.

Here’s the problem, stuffing is so delicious that we literally try to burst our stomachs eating it. But part of the reason why is that it may or may not be full of butter and bread. It’s like some kind of conspiracy. Make the most delicious dish of all time and then make it terrible for you. *Looks sidelong at ice cream*

This particular recipe has sweet potato, apple, and hazelnuts. Whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Stove Top just got SERVED, yo. You can even add some veggie sausage if you’re into that. It’s delicious, protein packed, and you sound damn fancy when you announce it to your mother: “I made DELICIOUS quinoa stuffing with fancy apples, sweet potatoes, and hazelnuts! Also, STOP SHOWING ALL MY BOYFRIENDS PICTURES OF ME WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.”

Recipe can be found at Family Fresh Cooking.

Spiced Butternut Squash and Apple Soup with Maple Pumpernickel Croutons

Thems some fancy croutons.

Stop. STOP TALKING. That is the most amazing thing I’ve heard all day, and that includes all of the other squash or sweet potato based things we’ve already talked about. And fancy croutons too? Damn. Why even bother with other food? Just announce the soup course, drop your serving spoon, and yell “DONE, SON.”

Try adding a little bit of curry powder. You might just blow the minds of your family members. “TO EVERYONE HERE, even though I don’t have a job RIGHT NOW, that doesn’t mean that I’m not EARNING MONEY. Suck it. And yes, questions are off the table.”

Courtesy of O Magazine.

Take THAT, turkey regime!

Pop Quiz

What do masked serial killers with penchant for camping and the darkness of my soul have in common? 

 

That’s right, Black Friday. Stay tuned for an awesome offer from your pantsless ladies at Hex! 

 

You just know that Jason loves a good deal.

Why fear tastes better than candy

Well, he looks friendly.

Ah, Halloween. That wondrous time of year filled with awestruck children, enough candy to permanently ruin your digestive track, and the world’s tiniest sexy nurse outfits. I’ve never been much of a Halloween person myself. Too much chance for vandalism or getting hit on by a guy dressed like Snooki for my tastes. But there is one thing I love: scary movies.

Let me be clear, gross movies are not my dig. If Saw 1-78 had never been made, the world would probably be a slightly shinier place, but I can’t seem to stay away from a good psychological horror flick. I didn’t sleep well for two weeks after seeing Paranormal Activity and yet I ran back to watch 2-4. Twisted.

I have always wondered where my interest came from. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase “But you’re such a nice girl…” and I wouldn’t say that I’m particularly interested in the macabre, but I love the tiny thrill of watching a solid ghost movie. Are gremlins in my house? Sweet, I’ll get over the nightmares! Is there a demon in my attic? Probably no room with the monstrosity of an AC unit I’m rocking, but I’ll let you know.

Which leads me to my question: What is the role that fear plays in our lives?

It obviously exists for a good reason. I mean, besides keeping us from nonstop bungee jumping, which frankly just doesn’t look safe. Fear makes us hesitate, think, question, and assess a situation. It also makes us miss opportunities to learn, stay stagnant, and lose loved ones. Ouch.

So how do we find that healthy balance? How do we recognize the good fear that keeps us from unsafe situations and separate it from the paralyzing kind, the kind where you won’t call your mother because you’re afraid she’ll judge you.

I actually wouldn’t suggest my scary movie method. You’ll never get some of the scenes from The Shining out of your head, trust me. But yoga maybe, now there’s something. I can’t tell you how many times in class I’ve thought “Oh hells to the no” when I was asked to lift one foot or maybe a hand. The simple act of flipping over can be terrifying if done while off-balance, which is the very reason you should at least consider it.

Nothing could possibly go wrong in this scenario.

Consistently testing your fear in small, repetitive ways can teach you to recognize when to ignore it and when to listen without too many consequences. I’ve face planted in crow pose and lived to tell the tale, but I’ve also pulled a ligament in my knee from not listening to a small voice in my head telling me to take it easy. Learning where the line is between over-protective and cautious will change your approach to life, it will open up doors and close windows you shouldn’t have been looking out of in the first place.

Maybe yoga isn’t your thing. Perhaps try a new hobby, an acting class, calling someone with an apology… Whatever makes your heart race just a tiny bit faster. After all, the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

And, you know, whatever else is lurking outside in your bushes.

– Meg Weathers, aka Daisy Shoots, RYT 200 Hr & proud member of Assassination City Roller Derby’s Deadly Kennedys